Surviving Christmas Eve Mass: A Guide for the Reluctant Catholic
The Worst Hour of the Year
For many of us, Christmas Eve Mass is a necessary evil. We love Jesus, we love Christmas, but the Catholic Church’s festive celebration can be a grueling experience. The pageant, the extended hymns, the packed pews, and the incense-filled air can be overwhelming. As someone who’s been there, done that, and got the t-shirt, I’ve compiled a top 5 list to help you navigate this ordeal.
0. The Pre-Mass Problem: Saving Seats
Your family asks you to save seats, but it’s a daunting task. You’re essentially telling hundreds of disgruntled Catholics to stand up for the next 75 minutes. The solution? Bring multiple garments to lay on the pew, creating the illusion of multiple people saving seats. Sit in silence, staring ahead, and ignore anyone who tries to approach you. If all else fails, pray – loudly and with conviction.
1. The Sit-Stand-Kneel Conundrum
For those who only attend Mass twice a year, the constant sitting, standing, and kneeling can be a nightmare. Follow the lead of the oldest, most experienced churchgoer in the pew. They know the drill better than the priest himself.
2. The Prayer Predicament
Not knowing the prayers can be embarrassing. Mumble your way through, focusing on the essential keywords. You don’t need to remember the entire Nicene Creed; just hit the highlights.
3. The Awkward Peace
Shaking hands during the Peace can be uncomfortable. Avoid eye contact, stick to shaking hands with family members, and fill your quota with one stranger. After that, look down and avoid any further handshakes.
4. The Exit Strategy
Don’t get stuck in the home stretch. Make sure you’re ready to leave after Communion by putting on your jacket beforehand. Beat the traffic and skip out early – you’ve earned it.
5. The Most Important Rule
Don’t get distracted by the attractive women in the pew. It’s hard, I know, but try to keep your mind on the sermon and not on social media stalking. If you have any tips on how to avoid this temptation, I’m all ears.
By following these tips, you’ll survive Christmas Eve Mass with your sanity intact. Happy holidays!
Leave a Reply