The Agony of Defeat: A Statistical Breakdown of NFL Woes
Welcome, fellow sufferers of NFL disappointment! Grab a seat and take a deep breath, as we’re about to delve into the painful world of sad stats.
The Gutless Bears
My team, the Chicago Bears, were 4-2 at one point. It’s hard to believe, considering their current state. Caleb Williams, the first overall #1 pick QB, has been impressive, but not enough to save the team from their dismal performance. Matt Eberflus’s win percentage in one-score games is a staggering three standard deviations below the average for active head coaches. To put this into perspective, Michael Jordan is three standard deviations above the average height. Yeah, it’s that bad.
Sad Stat #1: Eberflus’s One-Score Woes
Eberflus’s reluctance to run another play with 36 seconds left and a timeout before kicking a long field goal was a gutless move. It’s reminiscent of the last Bears one-score game in Washington, where he played prevent defense and then claimed it didn’t matter. Yeah, right.
Sad Stat #2: Evan McPherson’s Kicking Woes
Evan McPherson has single-handedly lost four games for the Bengals. I decided to investigate which kickers have the record for most games lost due to their mistakes. Justin Tucker and Greg Zeurlein lead the way with three lost games, while McPherson has two. But after his recent catastrophe, I think it’s fair to add another loss to his ledger.
Sad Stat #3: Justin Tucker’s Decline
Justin Tucker, the all-time place kicker GOAT, has fallen off the cliff. He’s currently the 25th most accurate field goal kicker this season. It’s a sad day when the greatest kicker of all time becomes a liability.
Sad Stat #4: New Bears OC Thomas Brown’s Underwhelming Start
Thomas Brown, the new Bears offensive coordinator, has scored as many first-drive points (3) in one game as Shane Waldron did in nine games. While some might argue that there were positives in the game, let’s focus on how Matt Eberflus thought Shane Waldron was worthy of coaching an NFL offense.
Sad Stat #5: NFL Defenses’ 12-Men Penalty Woes
The Bears have given up two touchdowns while committing a 12-men on-field penalty since 1999. This is probably one of the most embarrassing defensive stats out there. Maybe they should focus on not having too many men on the field?
Sad Stat #6: Titans’ Long TD Loss
The Titans became the third team in the last quarter century to lose a game despite scoring a 98+ yard touchdown. Justin Jefferson took one 97-yards from Sam Darnold as the Vikings beat the 49ers in Week 2. You’d think scoring a ridiculously long touchdown would guarantee a win, but not always.
Sad Stat #7: Cowboys’ Point Differential Woes
The Cowboys have the third-worst point differential for their first five home games of a season in NFL history. Mike McCarthy’s gameday deficiencies are well-documented, but this team is a hot mess.
Sad Stat #8: NFL Math Lesson
A team that commits four unnecessary roughness penalties on a single play is equivalent to the other team committing one. The Texans-Cowboys game got ugly, with five penalties on one play, including four on Dallas. Lesson learned: if you see two players fighting, go full Hanson brothers on the nearest opponent.
That’s it for Week 11. I hate everything. See you next week.
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